Monday | October 22, 2007

A New Beginning?

Well, yesterday wound up turning out not so bad after my post. I got dressed and decided to go out for a little while to do some shopping.  I figured that I would see if I could find anything for him, trying to keep my chin up and not get upset that I hadn't heard from him. Then I became discouraged while I was there cause I didn't hear anything from him. Then he texted me and we spent the rest of the time while I was there texting back and forth. We were joking around about something from the night before and he told me "I think this could work out if you continue like this and never change".  And then later on "Don't change, this is nice :) " He's liking how things are going, but worried that they are going to change.  On the otherhand, it makes me wonder if that's why he wants so many pictures of me...cause he's afraid that this is just temporary.
Posted by Steph at 23:19:25 | Permanent Link | Comments (25) |

Saturday | October 20, 2007

An Early Post

This post seems to come a little early in the day.  That's because I woke up feeling aweful. I had to dreams that he was in.  In the first one, I went to his parents' house in Orlando to see him.  His brother was also there but he was leaving.  Things were a little ackward between us once we were alone....and then I woke up.  In my second dream though, I dreamt that he called me to wake me up at 10 o' clock.  He was still laying in bed, as was I, and he asked me when I was going to be there.  He said "when are you coming? what time are you leaving? Let's see...it's 10 now, so that means you should be here around 2-2:30".  I haven't heard from him since last night, and I'm not sure what time he sent that last text message cause I deleted it.  But I've heard nothing.  Didn't even get a "good night" or a "good morning".  It's hard getting that for a few days and then silence.  I know he was probably out in Georgetown with people last night and then he stayed over at Mike and Andrea's, and was getting up to help work on the basement...that's what happened last weekend.  Except last weekend, I actually got to see him on Saturday night.  I won't be seeing him this Saturday night...tonight.  I finished eating breakfast a little while ago and then just came in my room, layed on the bed and started crying.  I feel so hurt.  I feel that I'm getting discouraged because I'm getting no response from him.  And I'm not just talking a response like a text back, I'm talking a response like sending me an e-card, or texting me to say good morning or good night, calling me, or at least initiating something.  I do love him and want to be with him, more than anything, but I don't want him to think that I was going through a phase cause I loosen up on my displays of affection.  It's not because it is a phase, it's because I am feeling discouraged.  I feel that I need a sign, some sign, that it means something...more importantly, that I mean something.  I don't know.  Is that video a sign, or was he just being kinky and sexual? Was the picture he sent me of himself titled "For You" a sign, or once again was it just sexual.  I need some sign that it isn't just sexual or I feel that I may lose my mind.  He was right, it's not just sexual with me, it's emotional as well.  I hope he realizes that. How do I be patient without going out of my mind? I feel so bogged down right now.  It sucks going from having some sense of hope for a couple of days, because we spent the whole day texting back and forth, to feeling like I did on day one, because I haven't heard anything in over 12 hours. Perhaps I deserve all this though for things that I did to him over the years.  For times I would show behavior like this. It really does suck and it really does hurt.  But he is not one to "prove a point" or "show me a lesson". 
Posted by Steph at 12:58:46 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Loneliness

I find myself lonely.  It's easy to see why.  I talk to him everyday, via text, but when I call, I feel like I shouldn't be.  Almost like his tone of voice is saying "and you are calling me because why?".  But yet, during the day we talk sexually.  I get up and tell him good morning and take a picture of what I am wearing.  He will use terms of endearment like "babe" or "baby"...perhaps a "sweetie", but that is all when it comes to responding to me in a way other than sexually.  I really want him to come up but he doesn't seem to want to. I'm having oral surgery next Friday and I am hoping that he comes up and stays that weekend, but I doubt it. I had asked him today, in a sexual moment, when he would come up (even though I really wanted to see what he had to say) so we could have some fun, and he said "Hopefully soon".  But he was most likely just saying that sexually.  I sent him another e-card today. He said that it was "sweet" and that "I was cute". However, today he did send me a video that he made for me...a "special" video for me.  He didn't go to work today because his back was bothering him, but he went out tonight.  When I said to him "Oh, so you can't go to work but you can go out" he said "No, it's not what you're thinking".  I feel so removed from his life that it kills me.  I'm trying to keep a strong facade when I talk to him, but inside I want to cry sometimes, because I feel like he has no emotional connection to me.  But maybe I should expect that.  He told me last weekend that he was not ready to let me in or anyone for that matter. I just feel that I need some reassurance.  Perhaps that's what some of the other things are though I need to see them as such.  I should be reassured because he is even talking to me.  I should be reassured because he saw me last weekend.  I should be reassured because we text back and forth all day long.  I should be reassured because he sends me pictures. I should be reassured that he comments on mine. I should be reassured because he made me a video.  I should be reassured because he said that his parents asking about me and saying he should come up here  is making him consider it. I should be reassured because today he gave me a compliment without me having to ask for it. I should be reassured because yesterday we talked seriously but it was progressive.  But as I told him, when I know what I want, I have a hard time being patient.  I guess that is what I am having to prove...patience and devotion.  But, I know that he is worth it.  I love him and want to be with him. 

Posted by Steph at 00:49:10 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Thursday | October 18, 2007

Tides of change?

So yesterday I did not get the change to post here on my blog.  I spent the day, at work, in the conference room, working on a presentation for my boss.  Yesterday's texts started out in the same fashion as the day before's, sexual in nature, but then they changed.  An agent in our office drives a blue BMW 525.  So, I took a picture of the car and sent it to him and told him that it was hot and that I would support his decision to get one.  That started us down the path of talking about BMWs and I asked him if I could get one too.  He asked me what color I wanted and I told him to surprise me, and he chose silver.  I asked him if he was going to put a bow on it when he surprises me with it and he said "no, that's Lexus." He said he would either get me a custom license plate or tint for the windows...I chose the plate, and asked him what it would say.  His reply was "HER HTNS". Now, the background on that is that we refer to his current car as The Hotness.  So, then I told him that if he gets a BMW as well, what would his plate say then...he said he didn't know, so I took a shot and said "how about HIS HTNS".  He agreed that it fit.  And thus we had come up with His & Her BMWs for the two of us.  Then as I was leaving the office last night, I noticed that the "check engine" light had turned off in my car.  That light came on last Friday...and yes, I drove down to Maryland with my check engine light on to see him.  When I noticed it was off, I  immediately thought to myself that it was a sign.  I needed to "check my engine" and guess what...I did.  That light stayed on, in my car, until yesterday, when the conversation begin to change between he and I.  I look at it as a sign.  Then, the conversation today kept taking on this new turn...here is a part of it...

Him: So my parents got a package from you, huh? ;)
Me: Yeah, they did :)
Him: That was very sweet of you. My dad even started asking about you and when I was going up there and everything. I was shocked...Bout time he gets his brownies ;)
Me: Yeah, they were for his birthday
Him: Yep! Good stuff!
Me: Yeah, Patrick said they were pretty good too which made me a happy eppo!
Him: When did you talk to my brother?!?!?!?
Me: Last night
Him: He IM you?
Me: Yeah, we talked a little
Him: Cool, about what?
Me: Just chit chat, how the other was doing
Him: I see. That's cool. My mom had good things to say about you. Didn't expect that given that she knows everything
Me: Yeah, same with my mom
Him: Makes me wonder what it all means
Me: I don't know. My mom even invited you to come up
Him: Which my mom thinks I should do...Seems weird
Me: Any my mom said it would be nice to see you
Him: Don't get excited, this in no way means it will happen, but I'm thinking of doing it
Him: ...And one more thing, I swear to God, if I go out on a limb and you fuck me over with this and I look like the fool again, I'll make sure that I hurt you back and make your life hell. :) Now that that unpleasantness is aside...
Him: Hope I didn't scare you with what I said. Still skeptical that this isn't a phase
Me: No, it didn't scare me...And I deserved it...
Him: I mean it when I say that is scares me...There's nothing stopping you from reverting to past ways, ya know. I'll admit I've never seen this side to you and I love it, I just want to make sure it isn't defcon 4 on your part to keep me around

Then he started talking about his friends...

Him: You are aware you will never be welcomed around Andrea or in her house
Me: I don't care about Andrea, and if she wants to hang my past over my head, then that is her decision
Me: My father also said that about you once...
Him: I know he did, and he has nothing on Andrea or her ability to hang stuff over anyones head forever. You make her like you and then you really have changed
Me: You'd be surprised...Andrea doesnt even know me as a person, what she knows of me is what she has heard and seen through you and Tom
Him: And that's enough...To get to Andrea you have to go through Tom. I don't see you doing this
Me: At lease I never told her to go to hell, like you did to my mother, and she's just reiterated that you should come up
Him: LOL I'm just letting you know
Me: Tom and Andrea will come with time...Tom is your best friend, and best friends worry, but in the end, they want you to be happy...At least that's how it's supposed to work
Him: Well, it's a ways off. Don't think you're in the clear with me either missy
Me: I would not assume
Posted by Steph at 16:52:53 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Tuesday | October 16, 2007

Unsure

Today is a day of complete uncertainty.  We spent the day texting back and forth, joking around and being sexual.  Mostly being sexual.  We actually used terms of endearment today, like "babe" and "baby".  Last night he sent me a text message as I was going to bed asking me if I was okay. I simply said "goodnight and sweetdreams" and he replied with "you too and I'm sorry if I've hurt you and sorry about tonight".  I then told him that my mom personally invited him to come spend a weekend and that she and Rich would like to see him.  He responded with "tell her thank you. When things settle, I'll take her up on it." And this morning (and maybe I am over analyzing this WAY too much) he sent me a text message and at the bottom was :X . Now, most times I would consider that to be a kiss...in fact I believe that he and I have always used that as a kiss, but now I am not sure.  Maybe he meant it in a "my lips are sealed" context. He also sent me a message with that same thing last night. I have no idea what to think of any of it. He told me yesterday that he is going on a date tonight.  I'm sure that's where he is right now, for he stopped texting me almost 2 hours ago. Am I just here for sexual amusement until he finds someone to replace me? Am I getting a false hope here? I have spent another day in tears.  My eyes burn now I've cried so much over the course of the past 3 days.  I sat in the shower, just letting the water fall on me as I cried at remembering times from our past.  How I used to hide my friendship and my love for him from my parents who didn't approve. How I finally told my parents that I didn't care what they thought, he was who he was. I was watching the movie "We Are Marshall" with mom tonight and I started crying during one scene where a husband is standing outside in his backyard, grieving, and his wife came up behind him, put her arms around him and her head on his shoulder.  When he looked at her, she just smiled and kissed his cheek.  I cried because that's what I want with him.  I want to be there for him when he grieves, I want to be there when he smiles, I want to be there when he laughs, I want to be there when he cries.  I want to be with him always...

Posted by Steph at 23:47:30 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Monday | October 15, 2007

My Regret

Today is still hard.  I am still crying.  I left work after an hour and a half because I couldn't be there...I had to state that I wasn't feeling well.  I just didn't mention that I was emotionally unwell.  I have never regretted anything in my life.  My philosophy was always "why regret something when there was a reason why it happened at the time".  Now, I am having a hard time believing that statement.  I regret the fact that I didn't see that I had the best thing going for me in him.  I regret that I wasted all that time on people who didn't matter as much as I thought they did.  I regret that I put others before him.  I regret that I moved away from him.  I regret that I did not take him into consideration more.  I regret that I didn't do the little things.  If I hadn't moved up to Pennsylvania, I could be with him either in Orlando (if we had decided to stay there) or moved with him to Washington.  I'm heavily considering moving back to Orlando now, but I know that he is not there.  I don't know that I will be happier there cause I associate Orlando with him.  Even though most of my family is there and my friends, he isn't.  I will always think of him and want to see him being there.  I will always have the anticipation that he will show up. That I can drive 10 minutes and be at his house.  We went to high school together in Orlando, that's where we started together. The upside is that I would have a better support group there.  But he is Orlando...Orlando is him.  I love him with all my heart and soul, and want to be where he is.  But since I cannot be where he is, then where do I go from here???

Posted by Steph at 20:38:35 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Today's Conversation

Me: Good Morning
Me: Please say something
Him: Sorry was in the shower. Good Morning :)
Me: I like you in the shower :) I just got out myself
Him: It's freezing in this basement. I hate it
Me: It's 57 in the house right now and 44 outside
Him: :/
Me: Hard nipples! LOL
Him: LOL for serious! So how are you today?
Me: Everyone is happy with cute panties
Him: LOL for serious
Me: [sent picture]
Him: Cute would be my second opinion. My first is "damn that's hot" LOL
Me: Well, you give me a hard time about not wearing them, so I am wearing them for you today
Him: Aren't I the lucky one. Mine are black...But they aren't pantis. LOL
Me: That's hot...Just makes you hotter ;)
Him: Yes, black with white pin stripes...It's like I'm going to a formal. LMAO
Me: Well then thanks for returning the favor!
Him: Huh?
Me: I showed you mine
Him: I'm already at work...
Me: Nice excuse
Him: [sent picture]
Me: LOL...way to accomodate
Him: Thanks, I try ;)
Me: Cold days make me think of you :)
Me: [driving to work] Weird...Random, orange cones in the road
Me: Are you still planning on driving down at Thanksgiving? I'd like to surprise my family.
Him: Can't get the time off :( I'll be staying here with Andrea and Mike
Me: Well, you can always come up here...And we can go over and see Bayonne.  Monica and Bob would love to see you.
Him: I've already told Mike and Andrea I'll be here. I don't know, I told you I wasn't making plans that far off because I don't know what I'll be doing. Plus you have to think, if I'm seeing someone around that time, I can't do that.
Me: Please see that I am trying here...I'm doing the big and little things. You are always afraid that this is temporary, and I'm showing you that it isn't.
Him: I know, and I see, I'm sorry. I just can't reciprocate all that you are giving right now.  I need my time and space to search a little so I can be sure of myself and what I want for my future.
Me: I'm not asking you to reciprocate right now. But please see that I'm serious about my intentions with you, that I'm willing to go the distance. Would you consider coming up the weekend I get my wisdom teeth out? My mom and Richs will be gone that Saturday and Sunday, so I will have no one around. Then, if I feel better Sunday, we can go over to Bayonne for brunch.
Him: I don't know yet. I'm not keen on another instance of what happened yesterday. You need to understand that nothing you do right now will change how I feel.  I need time and enought of it to see what else is out there
Me: It's the real thing...I don't want us to be those people who miss out on all those years together. I would much rather spend them traveling to Scotland together, spending the holidays together, and loving you with every breath that's in this body.
Him: I can't promise you anything. If I start dating someone you won't be able to do and say these things. I want to date and I will date. I'm doing something tomorrow night and you are going to have to respect that.
Him: We had all those years together and they were pissed away. I will date and see where that takes me. Might even make me a better man and take some of this bitterness and anger out of me. I can't be with you right now. That's final.
Me: I just want you to see that I am a different person now. Let me show you that. Those years weren't all a waste. They have helped me see that you are my life, you and no other. I want to wake up next to you every morning and make love to you. To touch you and hold you, caressing your beautiful body. To explore new things with you, cause at least what we have on a physical level, we have with no one else.
Him: And that may be in my future, but it isn't for the present. I will date and make sure that it's right.
Me: I know you can't give me your heart right now. I have alot to prove but give me the chance to do that.
Him: I can't right now. I'm sorry.
Me: Give me a chance. I'm not asking you to jump into a serious relationship. I know you can't do that. But let me do things for you, to you, and with you. We had an amazing time this weekend together...Come up next weekend and hang out with me.
Him: I can't give you the chance you want. I'm doing my best at a friendship right now, it's the best I can give but you need to respect it, as well as its boundaries.
Him: I can't this weekend and I won't be doing that. No matter what you show me, I've already told you it's not going to change things.  All that will is time and you need to respect that.  If you can't I'll have to take measures I really don't want to take.
Me: It's  not this weekend it's the following. And I respect that. But just as I have to put myself in your shoes, please see mine.  I have this amazing guy in my life and we've had our share of ups and downs. I've hurt him in the past, but in the past few months I've truely come to realize how much I love him and what he means to my existance. But he is afraid to let me in and is still angry with me and I just want to show him that I have changed and want to be all that he needs and give him all the he needs and wants. That I live my life for him and what he means to me.
Him: I know that, but I need time away from this. If you truely mean these things then time won't change it. I need a "reset" and the only way to do that is time away from you
Me: I've never been patient when it comes to knowing exactly what I want. I don't want you to forget about me. I would truely die of a broken heart.
Him: You will have to be patient. I want to date someone else before I even consider this because as I said, I've been shaken. I now need to see if you really are the one and the only way to find out is like this. Now like I said, this matter needs to be closed.
Me: I'm sorry, I'm just hurting and it's not just because of yesterday
Him: I know and I'm doing my best to remember the hurt you must be feeling, but I can only do so much

Posted by Steph at 17:01:51 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Sunday | October 14, 2007

An Unknown

Last night I spent the night with the man that I love.  We met practically halfway between our locations and spent one great night together.  It was the first time we have seen each other since we both moved away.  It was the first time we had been together in a very long time.  We started out just playing for a while, before being together.  Then he awoke me at 5:30 this morning and made love to me, before going back to sleep.  I woke him at 9:30 by pleasing him, and saying "Good morning". We had a great night together.  I told him that I didn't want him to leave me.  He told me that he needed time. It ripped my heart out.  I love him so very much.  Every morning when I wake up I send him a text message saying "good morning" and before I go to sleep every night, I send one that saying "goodnight".  I've been crying now for the better part of 10 1/2 hours.  I know that I hurt him in the past, and I was foolish and stupid.  I want him to give me the chance to show him that I do love him and put him before all else.  He is my best friend and my rock.  I wasn't ready to receive the love he wanted to give me at the time and just to blind to see that he is my life.  Now, I am stuck with the strong possibility that I will never have him.  That I am now doomed to be one of those "empty shell people you see walking around and you wonder 'what the hell happened to this person'".  I dont want to be that.  I send him a text message now and get no response, and that hurts me like nothing else.  Without him, my very soul weeps.  I don't even want to perform the necessary tasks to sustain life.  I didn't want to take a shower and wash his touch off my body...I didn't want to wash my hair and wash away his fingers running through it as he kissed me.  I have no appetite.  All I want is for him to give us a shot now that I know I can give it all that I have and more. I want him to let me love him...to cherish him...to take care of him.  I love him more than words can describe.  He is my everything.  His picture is what graces my blog page. 

Posted by Steph at 23:35:07 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |