Unsure
Today is a day of complete uncertainty. We spent the day texting back and forth, joking around and being sexual. Mostly being sexual. We actually used terms of endearment today, like "babe" and "baby". Last night he sent me a text message as I was going to bed asking me if I was okay. I simply said "goodnight and sweetdreams" and he replied with "you too and I'm sorry if I've hurt you and sorry about tonight". I then told him that my mom personally invited him to come spend a weekend and that she and Rich would like to see him. He responded with "tell her thank you. When things settle, I'll take her up on it." And this morning (and maybe I am over analyzing this WAY too much) he sent me a text message and at the bottom was :X . Now, most times I would consider that to be a kiss...in fact I believe that he and I have always used that as a kiss, but now I am not sure. Maybe he meant it in a "my lips are sealed" context. He also sent me a message with that same thing last night. I have no idea what to think of any of it. He told me yesterday that he is going on a date tonight. I'm sure that's where he is right now, for he stopped texting me almost 2 hours ago. Am I just here for sexual amusement until he finds someone to replace me? Am I getting a false hope here? I have spent another day in tears. My eyes burn now I've cried so much over the course of the past 3 days. I sat in the shower, just letting the water fall on me as I cried at remembering times from our past. How I used to hide my friendship and my love for him from my parents who didn't approve. How I finally told my parents that I didn't care what they thought, he was who he was. I was watching the movie "We Are Marshall" with mom tonight and I started crying during one scene where a husband is standing outside in his backyard, grieving, and his wife came up behind him, put her arms around him and her head on his shoulder. When he looked at her, she just smiled and kissed his cheek. I cried because that's what I want with him. I want to be there for him when he grieves, I want to be there when he smiles, I want to be there when he laughs, I want to be there when he cries. I want to be with him always...
