Loneliness
I find myself lonely. It's easy to see why. I talk to him everyday, via text, but when I call, I feel like I shouldn't be. Almost like his tone of voice is saying "and you are calling me because why?". But yet, during the day we talk sexually. I get up and tell him good morning and take a picture of what I am wearing. He will use terms of endearment like "babe" or "baby"...perhaps a "sweetie", but that is all when it comes to responding to me in a way other than sexually. I really want him to come up but he doesn't seem to want to. I'm having oral surgery next Friday and I am hoping that he comes up and stays that weekend, but I doubt it. I had asked him today, in a sexual moment, when he would come up (even though I really wanted to see what he had to say) so we could have some fun, and he said "Hopefully soon". But he was most likely just saying that sexually. I sent him another e-card today. He said that it was "sweet" and that "I was cute". However, today he did send me a video that he made for me...a "special" video for me. He didn't go to work today because his back was bothering him, but he went out tonight. When I said to him "Oh, so you can't go to work but you can go out" he said "No, it's not what you're thinking". I feel so removed from his life that it kills me. I'm trying to keep a strong facade when I talk to him, but inside I want to cry sometimes, because I feel like he has no emotional connection to me. But maybe I should expect that. He told me last weekend that he was not ready to let me in or anyone for that matter. I just feel that I need some reassurance. Perhaps that's what some of the other things are though I need to see them as such. I should be reassured because he is even talking to me. I should be reassured because he saw me last weekend. I should be reassured because we text back and forth all day long. I should be reassured because he sends me pictures. I should be reassured that he comments on mine. I should be reassured because he made me a video. I should be reassured because he said that his parents asking about me and saying he should come up here is making him consider it. I should be reassured because today he gave me a compliment without me having to ask for it. I should be reassured because yesterday we talked seriously but it was progressive. But as I told him, when I know what I want, I have a hard time being patient. I guess that is what I am having to prove...patience and devotion. But, I know that he is worth it. I love him and want to be with him.
