An Early Post
This post seems to come a little early in the day. That's because I woke up feeling aweful. I had to dreams that he was in. In the first one, I went to his parents' house in Orlando to see him. His brother was also there but he was leaving. Things were a little ackward between us once we were alone....and then I woke up. In my second dream though, I dreamt that he called me to wake me up at 10 o' clock. He was still laying in bed, as was I, and he asked me when I was going to be there. He said "when are you coming? what time are you leaving? Let's see...it's 10 now, so that means you should be here around 2-2:30". I haven't heard from him since last night, and I'm not sure what time he sent that last text message cause I deleted it. But I've heard nothing. Didn't even get a "good night" or a "good morning". It's hard getting that for a few days and then silence. I know he was probably out in Georgetown with people last night and then he stayed over at Mike and Andrea's, and was getting up to help work on the basement...that's what happened last weekend. Except last weekend, I actually got to see him on Saturday night. I won't be seeing him this Saturday night...tonight. I finished eating breakfast a little while ago and then just came in my room, layed on the bed and started crying. I feel so hurt. I feel that I'm getting discouraged because I'm getting no response from him. And I'm not just talking a response like a text back, I'm talking a response like sending me an e-card, or texting me to say good morning or good night, calling me, or at least initiating something. I do love him and want to be with him, more than anything, but I don't want him to think that I was going through a phase cause I loosen up on my displays of affection. It's not because it is a phase, it's because I am feeling discouraged. I feel that I need a sign, some sign, that it means something...more importantly, that I mean something. I don't know. Is that video a sign, or was he just being kinky and sexual? Was the picture he sent me of himself titled "For You" a sign, or once again was it just sexual. I need some sign that it isn't just sexual or I feel that I may lose my mind. He was right, it's not just sexual with me, it's emotional as well. I hope he realizes that. How do I be patient without going out of my mind? I feel so bogged down right now. It sucks going from having some sense of hope for a couple of days, because we spent the whole day texting back and forth, to feeling like I did on day one, because I haven't heard anything in over 12 hours. Perhaps I deserve all this though for things that I did to him over the years. For times I would show behavior like this. It really does suck and it really does hurt. But he is not one to "prove a point" or "show me a lesson".
